Thoughts on a Bad Day

I know I can be a bitch, I’m not a perfect person. In fact, my first screen name in middle school (this is super embarrassing, but judge all you want, everyone does things they regret when they’re young) was “perfectprincess_wellmaybenot”. Wow, really can’t believe I just revealed that to a very public forum. 

The point is, I have said mean things to people, I’ve talked about people behind their back, I’ve done things I’m not proud of. Everyone has. 

Sometimes this thought creeps into my head. “Is getting Stage IV cancer at age 28 some sort of weird karmic/sinner’s punishment for these things”?  But I know I’m not a bad person. There are plenty of worse people out there that didn’t get a terminal cancer diagnosis just when their life was beginning. I didn’t grow up religious (in any way, not Christianity, Catholicism, Buddhism, Islam, Judaism, Atheism, or anything). I don’t believe in God and I don’t believe in heaven or hell. Though sometimes I wish I did because it would make this whole painful, horrible circumstance more bearable. If I believed that “God’s plan”  was for me to live a short life so I could “be with him” that would be so comforting. 

I believe in science, and medicine, and I know that I was dealt a bad hand in the genetics department. I know that I was born probably just 10 years shy of the right medicine being developed to cure my cancer. Immunotherapy and the developments we have had in modern medicine in the last 10-20 years are nothing short of miraculous. And they have prevented stories like mine. Many of them. Just not mine.

I know life isn’t fair. It’s not fair that horrible, sadistic, misogynistic, racist, violent, evil people can live to be old. It’s not fair that people who don’t give a fuck about people at war, people that are in danger, people who are sick and dying, or the environment get to live carefree lives. They can live to be a ripe old age and I will probably not live to see the end of this new year, let alone this new decade. 

It sucks that I will never get to graduate from med school and be a doctor, will never have a career, won’t be able to have babies, and won’t be able to spend enough time with my parents, my brother, my incredible husband, my amazing friends, my family. 

It’s not fair that there is so much privilege in this world, but also so much poverty. So much ignorant bliss and at the same time so much suffering. 

I’m not trying to make a statement, just wanting to share what I believe.

Im not trying to take a political or a religious stance and I don’t want this to be preachy about Western/Allopathic medicine. I just can’t help  feeling this way sometimes. 

I’m angry today. I’m crying angry tears as I write this. But just as I was starting to not be able to control the tears, Kodi ran up to me and starting licking the tears off my face. I know that he likes licking salty things and that my tears are salty, but I also know that in that moment he knew I needed some love and something to pull me out of a painful place, and I’m grateful for that. I’m lucky to be able to live this life with my little family of me and Kodi and David (or is it Kodi, David, and I? Don’t really care about that in this moment). 

I’m lucky to be able to travel like we do. I’m lucky that we have the most incredible friends that are family. I’m lucky we have two great sets of parents and siblings and cousins and aunts and uncles that care so much.