Gratitude — whit and wander

First full day in Torres del Paine, overjoyed to have made it and be feeling good!

December was a whirlwind month for us. A two week trip to Patagonia, a week in Alaska, a weekend in the San Juan Islands. Traveling almost from one pole of the Earth to the other. Not only were we traveling a ton but we had a lot of things on our minds.

In October I had gone back on a “lighter” chemo regimen to give my body a break from the “harder” stuff and because the scan we got at the end of September had initially shown that things were improving/stable. But then we had more tests done in mid-October that actually showed things were worsening, and that news hit us hard. Not only were things worsening, it showed the cancer was more aggressive than we had hoped and really brought to the forefront of our minds how fleeting life is.

Beyond this emotional and mental struggle, my health was worsening rapidly. I was getting sick from the cancer and how aggressive it was. Thanksgiving was an extremely tenuous and scary time. I tried to put on a good face for my family (both my family in Alaska who had come down to celebrate but also to David’s family since we did a joint Thanksgiving). Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday by far, because to me it is just all about sharing food and love with loved ones. But I couldn’t enjoy it this year. I was having severe abdominal pain and bloating, and also having constant fevers. My appetite was low during the best eating days of the year.

So I advocated for myself. I called my care team multiple times and told them my symptoms and begged them to get a round of the hard-hitting chemo regimen in before our trip to Patagonia. Two days before we left for our trip, we finally got insurance approval for the drug and I was able to get a same-day infusion time. And I am so so so grateful for that. I was so scared that if I didn’t get that dose, not only would we miss our trip but things could go from bad to worse very quickly.

We did get the dose, and two days later I felt 50 times better and we made the decision to carry on with our trip. More on that in a later post.

The bottom line is my medical situation is downright shitty. I have spent plenty of hours deeply depressed, going into anxiety rabbit holes thinking of worst case scenarios, being so angry thinking about the unfairness of it all, and having inconsolable crying fits.

None of those things are productive. They just make me more depressed, more anxious, more angry, and incredibly sad.

So in telling my struggles to my wonderful therapist, she helped me work through an exercise that I can go back to in those moments. It’s a gratitude practice. When things are too overwhelming and I feel myself about to descend into a rabbit hole of scary, sad, horrible worst case scenarios, I start this practice.

It’s simple, really. I think about this things I’m grateful for.

I start small:

I’m grateful to be alive today
I’m grateful to live in our house, and grateful we have made it a cozy, safe space
I’m grateful to be loved by my family
I’m grateful for the deep love I share with David, beyond grateful for his unwavering support and strength
I’m grateful to have friends that are as close as family and so so thankful that they are always here to support me when I need them, no questions asked
I’m grateful to have good health insurance, in fact a representative from our insurance company was the one who pushed the approval so quickly and was the reason I could have that dose before our trip
I’m grateful for my happy, loving puppy curled up beside me.

Those are all wonderful sentiments, but sometimes I start with material things or things that are surface level. I’m grateful to have this block of cheese I can eat as a snack. I’m grateful for Postmates, Uber Eats, and Caviar. I’m grateful for the cozy loungewear that makes me feel comfortable and put together even when I’m a complete mess. I’m grateful for Bravo tv shows that help distract me from my every day life.

Sometimes I write things down in list form. Other times I just think them.

Either way it helps to calm my mind and focus on the special, wonderful things I do have in life.

This exercise or practice has also really made me think about each day differently. Ever since finding out in November that things are more serious and that time is running out I have been seeing each day through a different light. I am overwhelmingly grateful to be able to live each day. If there’s sun, I’m thankful for it. If I’m so fatigued I can’t get up from the couch, I’m grateful for puppy snuggles and a great dogwalker.

Gratitude isn’t just about the lavish trips and travels we get to go on, although I’m grateful for those too.

It’s about appreciating the beauty in every day life, finding moments of joy and peace and happiness in everytihng.

I started trying to embody more gratitude in 2019, but I want to continue to do it in 2020.