COVID-19 Thoughts
Seattle on film, Kerry Park
I haven’t written anything since before the official COVID-19 quarantine/shelter in place/stay home. Part of that is because I’ve been focused on my own health recovering from the surgery I had on March 16. I’m recovering well at home and re-started chemo last week. In a way this pandemic has been a way of telling me to slow down and find joy in being home.
As a cancer patient on chemotherapy, I’m already considered an immunocompromised individual. Additionally I have a couple of tumors in my lungs and I have history of mild asthma making me even more at risk. On top of that, if I were to contract COVID-19 during a time when hospitals were over capacity and a triage was put into place, with my Stage IV diagnosis and terminal prognosis I would not be high on the priority list.
This is an extremely scary time for everyone. Everything is uncertain and I feel an impending sense of doom as the severity of this pandemic continues to worsen. So many people have lost their jobs while others are forced to work in very risky conditions. I have many many thoughts about how this pandemic is being handled in the US. I also have have been closely following issues surrounding the pandemic, like inequality and the widening . I realize I could write thousands of words on these topics, I’m choosing to write about how this is affecting me.
For the last several months before the pandemic was announced I was already spending most of my time at home. When my prognosis worsened in June 2019 I stopped working in order to really focus on my health and spend time with the people I love. But since the official order to shelter at home has been in effect I have really missed some of the things that were making me the most happy in life.
Traveling with David and planning our epic trips has given me something to look forward to pretty much as soon as we return from one adventure. The weekends I spend with my closest friends exploring new places or just having cozy weekends on the couch bring me so much joy. Now with the virus still climbing in new case numbers and casualties I’m left feeling a bit empty, as the future looks bleak.
Seattle on film, Puget Sound
Our travel plans are on hold indefinitely, which makes me wonder if I’ll ever be able to travel again. I don’t know when or if I’ll be able to visit my friends and spend time together within 6 feet of one another. I am hopeful that people will follow orders and do their part to stay home. But I still get these thoughts: was our trip to Japan and Korea in February perhaps my last international trip? Was my best friend’s bachelorette the last time I’ll ever get to hug her? I really do truly believe that I will be able to travel again and I will have more girls getaways and weekend trips with friends and more dreamy vacations with David.
Last week I realized that for me, hearing about all the bad things happening in the world was causing multiple panic attacks a week and I was feeling more depressed and anxious. So I stopped reading the news because it just upsets me.
It upsets me that there are STILL people not taking the “stay home” order seriously. Most of the people that seem to be doing that are people between the ages of 15-30, at the lowest risk of contracting a serious complication from COVID but also the most likely to be asymptomatic carriers of the virus—these people are the mostly likely disease vectors. I’m so angry at all of those people. It’s not fair that I could do everything possible to minimize exposure but because stupid, entitled, selfish, ignorant assholes decide not to follow rules they put everyone else at risk, more people will die and the pandemic persists.
It upsets me to my core that my friends, colleagues, mentors, professors, and my own health care team members are working tirelessly and risking their lives because they don’t have enough PPE and our federal government just lets it happen. I feel guilty and sad and useless, because in a parallel universe I wouldn’t have cancer and instead I would have finished my last year of medical school in 2018. I would have my MD right now and I would have matched to a residency program and I would also be fighting this on the front lines. I would be making a difference by treating people and helping to make sick people better like I have wanted to do since I was eight years old and like I have worked my whole life to do.
Seattle on film, Magnolia and the Olympics
Instead I’m at home watching Tiger King, experimenting with sourdough starter, and trying to figure out TikTok. I’m grateful to be able to be at home spending quality time cozied up with my puppy, my husband, and my mom. I’m thankful that I haven’t gotten sick. I’m thankful that in Seattle people seem to be taking things seriously and in the last couple of days the number of new cases has decreased.
I’m hopeful that this will pass and that life will return back to normal and our adventures will continue. For now, we are savoring the Zoom dance parties and game nights, keeping our brains active with crosswords and puzzles, and enjoying socially distant walks with our best pup. I’m holding my loved ones as close to my heart as possible, and making sure we are staying safe and staying home.
