Revive and Refocus — whit and wander

The last time I posted to this site was three months ago. I fully intended to update on a more regular and consistent basis throughout the summer but things didn’t go as planned.

The piece I was working on after my last post was about the three year anniversary of my diagnosis, June 24th. That was a pretty big undertaking considering how much my life has changed in those three years and all the emotions involved in that journey. I do want to write about it at some point but sitting down to write became a very emotionally draining chore rather than a joy so I stepped back from writing and chose to live and enjoy the present.

Whether rational or not, back in March I thought that the COVID situation might be improved by now. We are entering autumn and it’s been more than six months since the pandemic was declared. I could go on about why I think things went wrong or how things could have been different but I think that’s pretty unproductive and that’s not what I want to focus on.

Despite the COVID restrictions, our little family was able to have a pretty wonderful summer. We spent the better part of two months in the San Juan Islands, enjoying nature, relaxing, and living like locals. We went backpacking and did a couple of alpine lake hikes. We settled back into a nice routine at home in preparation for fall.

I started a new chemo regimen in June that resulted in less fatigue and more energy than I’d had in almost a year. I started exercising regularly again and along with the good weather and our little adventures I started to feel good again, more like my normal self.

A couple weeks ago I found out that the regimen from June was no longer working and now I have started on yet another treatment plan. That was not the news we were hoping for and I’ve been struggling. Once again the uncertainty of life is at the forefront of my mind.

Along with that news, the entire West Coast is burning. At this point, California and Washington have been my home for almost half of my life and I’m overwhelmed with sadness over the state of the climate and the state of the world.

I’ve had some very dark and depressing days where I have felt completely hopeless. I haven’t left the house in 5 days, not even to go for a walk around the block with Kodi because the air quality here is so hazardous. Also due to the air quality I’ve fallen off with exercise. I am going stir crazy. And we had to cancel a weekend trip that I had really been looking forward to.

I let myself wallow for a few days but I needed to pull myself out of it. So I’ve gone back to focusing on the little things that bring humor and lightness and joy into my life. My weekly catch up with some friends was a bright spot amidst the literal darkness. A backyard takeout girls dinner (before the smoke rolled in) from a favorite restaurant was a joy. And embracing a lazy day where we barely left the couch and binged a new tv show ended up being one of the best days.

The uncertainty in my life has brought me down, but it has also sparked me to think about what I am able to do and how I can keep doing the things I love despite restrictions. In fact, it’s been a common theme since I was diagnosed. I am living and finding joy despite battling cancer. I won’t let my cancer diagnosis and a global pandemic stop me from living a full life, experiencing new adventures, and being happy.

We are now in the midst of planning several trips and I’m starting to get really excited about it. One with friends where everyone will get COVID tested and quarantine before we get together. One where we will explore new-to-me national parks and stay at a bucket list remote resort. And a few more where we’ll return to some of our favorite places.

In the meantime, since I’ve found looking at photos from our previous travels and adventures to be a bit of an escape, I plan to share that here.