When Life Happens

Blooms I ordered from Matilda’s Bloombox for Mother’s Day for my mom, complete with our favorite peonies

The last couple weeks have been really difficult for me. 

Two weeks ago, it was a mental downward spiral I couldn’t pull myself out of. I was feeling in a rut creatively, trying to figure out where my “self worth” was coming from if I even had any, and mourning the loss of my medical career and the life I had chosen for myself.

That led to to a darker and deeper spiral of lack of self worth, feelings of “what is the point of being” “what is the point of me being” and also a sense of "will I ever get to do the things in life that I enjoy the most ever again”? 

Through therapy and talking to my family, my healthcare team, my friends in healthcare and my other closest friends, along with lots of meditation and yoga and practicing gratitude, I was finally pulled out of that dark hole and could see bits of light flitting through my life again. As though the light that shifts throughout the day and creates play and dances along walls or interacts with objects was coming back into my life, illuminating bits of my heart I wanted to hold onto and hold on for. 

Once I came out of that I was immediately hit with probably one of the most physically painful things I can think of. I started vomiting endlessly for 2 days straight. I could think of nothing else except for the nausea which tingled up my spine and ran down my legs and all I vomited was bile and I was so sick I had to be in the special cancer patient urgent care for 2 days receiving hydration and anti-nausea medication. That provided only temporary relief. Once I got home I could finally start keeping liquids down but I couldn’t eat a single bit of food without gagging and then throwing it up immediately. 

For me, the only thing that provides a brief respite from that overwhelming feeling of nausea that is all consuming and makes it so you can’t think of anything else, is to get into a hot shower or a hot bath. For some reason the hot water streaming down my back and chest helps keeps me from heaving and laying perfectly still in a tub of water does the same. 

But it’s just what I said, a brief respite. There were days I took 13 baths and 5 showers just to keep the nausea at bay. 

I may not have been eating but I was trying my best with non-alcoholic beverages. This one, lime juice, mint, Pineapple Spindrift

For someone as food obsessed as I am, I think this is one of the worst forms of torture. I LOVE food but when it comes to being in this state I become completely apathetic towards food. Nothing sounds appealing, not even remotely. In fact, things that normally sound appealing cause a visceral reaction. 

Suffering from food aversion and nausea is honestly one of the worst feelings in the world to me. It’s like a nausea shroud is covering your eyes and you have hazy vision. Can’t concentrate on movies or shows or books, maybe a podcast or audiobook can hold your attention for a brief 15 minutes. Let alone a conversation. I try meditating but the nausea shroud prevents any actual meditation and feels like there is nothing I can do except take medication on a schedule and wait out the hours of the day until I can take a nap or go to sleep for the night.

I’m sure David and my mom basically just interacted with a shell of me. Eventually after a full week I started to feel better with little breakthroughs and those breakthroughs were like beams of sun had shining down on me. It had been my birthday and we had some special food ordered, and when I finally felt good enough to eat it, I cried. 

I suppose I just wanted to explain what this has been like for me and why I’ve been quiet on here for a bit. 

I’m so overjoyed to be back to semi-normal eating habits and energy level that I hope to keep posting more regularly. 

Thanks for following along.

Hoping everyone is staying home, staying safe, and cherishing the joyful moments <3

Just a peaceful angel pup for good measure :)